But for me it was Tuesday…Another Day Outta The Bin

[railenthe]

I’m taking a second day off before jumping back into the fray online.  I’m trying to be careful while I adjust to new medications—and also trying to get myself quit of a few bad habits that I’ve picked up since my brain started to play tricks on me.  For one, I’ve apparently taken to bingeing hard enough on sugary snacks that when they rolled me into the ER for intake into the loony bin, my blood sugar was shot up so high that apparently I SHOULD’VE been in diabetic shock.  I’ve actually gotten to the point where the thought of my favorite vanilla cake is enough to make my stomach turn; even candy bars or Rice Krispies treats—one of each even—is too much for me to handle at one sitting.  Diet soda has become something I’ve turned to more and more often because sugar’s been making me quote chibi!Italy:  “Yuck.”xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /

 

Getting used to these medications is weird.  The one might be responsible for my brainzaps—we’re waiting until we can tell whether they’re caused by dissociative amnesia (or even fugue, which is worse, but I AM forgetting where I am often) or if it’s absence seizures—if it’s the latter, it’s just a matter of medication adjustment.  If it’s the former, I’m kind of screwed until I can find a place where I can afford to get some counseling—and even then, these only go into remission, not get cured.  It’s gotten to the point of if I forget where I am or what I’m doing, I grab my phone and actually make a note of it.  Sometimes I make light of it and tweet it.  I don’t need to be taking everything so seriously that I get myself into hospital-bound condition again, that’s for certain.

 

Because of what’s been going on, I am now going to make a concerted effort to be nicer to my body—I’m cutting down on the junk that I put into my system, and am going to make a concerted effort to get more fruits and vegetables into my diet.  The late-night sugar bingeing is going to go explode—I gotta stop doing that.  You know what else is going to go explode?  The diet pills.

 

See, back in high school my grandmother managed to get into my head.  She said I was gaining too much weight when I was in high school and I was promptly put on incredibly short rations so I’d lose weight.  This is the part where most of my family started to see that they weren’t being quite right with me (I was the favorite target for beatings with a variety of objects for a long time) and began sneaking around so that I could get my fill of food and drink while Big (short for Big Mama) slept.  But the neurosis remained, and I wind up counting calories without even trying—or in situations like “Well, did I move around enough today to earn this slice of cheese pizza?” or even “I didn’t meet word count today. I don’t get dinner.”  I’ve been taking diet pills since my injury and have gained almost fifty pounds.  I also started overexercising, which is as bad as not doing anything, since it damages the muscles and joints.  I feel fat and gross even though I am one of the thinnest people I know.   Almost everything I wear is in a petite size bracket but size 16 items fit me well—and flatteringly at that.

 

And all of this makes me think, “Gods, I need to drop a few.”

 

I’m getting shut of that notion starting now.  The diet pills—getting tossed.  The obsessive calorie counting—gonna stop that starting today.  Depriving myself of things I like just because I MIGHT gain a little weight?  No more.  Hells, the way I treated food in the bin this time around, I’m surprised that I didn’t wind up diagnosed with a full-blown eating disorder—just a disordered eating pattern, which is a bit different (in that it’s not life-threatening, just annoying as hell).

 

I’m going to start being nice to me.

 

After all, if I don’t do it, no one else will, right?

 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to make supper.  Poor Man’s Nachos (blue-corn tortillas with tomatoes, onions, cheese and lettuce) and a giant salad topped with cheese, tomatoes, and sunflower seeds.

 

And I’m gonna enjoy it.

Comments

A PICTURE THAT HAS GOT ME THROUGH MANY A DARK TIME

[saltedpin.livejournal.com]

KEEP IT CLOSE.

Re: A PICTURE THAT HAS GOT ME THROUGH MANY A DARK TIME

[railenthe.livejournal.com]

I think this goes up next to my only mirror. That is awesome.