They are also, sadly, used as gaudy decorations by my uncle in a letter that can only be described as "Tl;dr the 2 page saga" to the residents of my late grandmother's village. You know it's bad when Her Royal Highness, the Queen of Rambles decrees it to be tediously longwinded and redundant. (If I weren't so busy with Minwu and RL I'd try writing my own version...)
I leave in about half an hour and my antivirus just stopped hating on my internet connection.
*Then again last virus scan it found two high-priority bugs, so really ought not complain*
Words are the only weapon I’ve got—I’m fairly certain that bribing these folks with loaves of fresh bread won’t help me out at all. (Damn you low-carb dieters!) And I’ll do my damnedest to do what I can with them.
Got the book case, drawers, and last of the laundry done today at least. Least I got MAH SAMMICH. (Lebanon bologna and genoa salami, lettuce, marble-jack cheese, oregano, olive oil and vinegar on a fresh chunk of bread…and by ‘fresh’ I mean it came out of the machine exactly ten minutes ago.)
ALTERNATE LETTER:
To whom it may concern:
FUCK OFF SCREW OFF BUGGER OFF AND ALSO IN GENERAL GO FORNICATE YOURSELVES WITH A RUSTY FORK OK?
Obviously we're in the wrong line of work; we should start an enterprise for composing venemous threatening letters!
-------------------
To Whom It May Concern:
TICK.
*Before this can be questioned a clock goes TOCK and then the only sound is that of an extreme impact involving fragments of the reader's body being violently splattered across the ground*
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They are also, sadly, used as gaudy decorations by my uncle in a letter that can only be described as "Tl;dr the 2 page saga" to the residents of my late grandmother's village. You know it's bad when Her Royal Highness, the Queen of Rambles decrees it to be tediously longwinded and redundant. (If I weren't so busy with Minwu and RL I'd try writing my own version...)
DELICIOUS DERPER…ANTIVIRUS?
I leave in about half an hour and my antivirus just stopped hating on my internet connection.
*Then again last virus scan it found two high-priority bugs, so really ought not complain*
Words are the only weapon I’ve got—I’m fairly certain that bribing these folks with loaves of fresh bread won’t help me out at all. (Damn you low-carb dieters!) And I’ll do my damnedest to do what I can with them.
Got the book case, drawers, and last of the laundry done today at least.
Least I got MAH SAMMICH. (Lebanon bologna and genoa salami, lettuce, marble-jack cheese, oregano, olive oil and vinegar on a fresh chunk of bread…and by ‘fresh’ I mean it came out of the machine exactly ten minutes ago.)
ALTERNATE LETTER:
To whom it may concern:
FUCK OFF SCREW OFF BUGGER OFF AND ALSO IN GENERAL GO FORNICATE YOURSELVES WITH A RUSTY FORK OK?
Signed—Railenthe
SAMMICH sounds good...
Re: SAMMICH sounds good...
ALTERNATIVE LETTER:
To Whom It May Concern:
You may have noticed how pale the lettering in this letter is. The fact is that the text was dusted with anthrax just before the ink dried.
Find enclosed a list of funeral homes.
—Railenthe
*_*_*_*
On second thought let's not go the terrorist route, eh?
Re: SAMMICH sounds good...
Or if you feel like being blunt:
To whom it may concern,
This letter will self-destruct in precisely 1 second.
Adios, Fucker.
*eyes bread and considers another SAMMICH, or at least butter bread*
Ever wonder why there's a timer attached to your coffee mug?
*The reader never gets to finish. Later in the week during the cleanup coffee mug shrapnel is found in the walls, in the computer, and in THEM.*
Mmm...buttered bread...
-------------------
To Whom It May Concern:
TICK.
*Before this can be questioned a clock goes TOCK and then the only sound is that of an extreme impact involving fragments of the reader's body being violently splattered across the ground*
I wonder if we could make serious bank offa this…
To Whom It May Concern:
Doesn't the perfume in this letter smell nice? It contains lavender, rose, killer bee pheromones…
*A faint buzz rises from outside the window—the cloud of bees threatens to blot out the sun*
There must be some sort of novelty for that...
Have you ever heard of a poisoned pen letter? Well then here's an example.
Oh, I should also mention that I have a bad habit of taking things literally.
*reader then slumps down from the venemous fumes that have now entered their system*
If nothing else it would make an epic novelty notepad theme. A new hostile letter on every page!
*the reader jumps back as the enclosed snake leaps out*
*snort* That it would!
I do not like you.
That is why I enclosed this homing device.
*Before the reader has a chance to question it several missiles shoot in*
To Whom It May Concern:
Ever seen a plastic explosive?
*BOOOOOOOOOOM*