Obviously we're in the wrong line of work; we should start an enterprise for composing venemous threatening letters!
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To Whom It May Concern:
TICK.
*Before this can be questioned a clock goes TOCK and then the only sound is that of an extreme impact involving fragments of the reader's body being violently splattered across the ground*
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
SAMMICH sounds good...
Re: SAMMICH sounds good...
ALTERNATIVE LETTER:
To Whom It May Concern:
You may have noticed how pale the lettering in this letter is. The fact is that the text was dusted with anthrax just before the ink dried.
Find enclosed a list of funeral homes.
—Railenthe
*_*_*_*
On second thought let's not go the terrorist route, eh?
Re: SAMMICH sounds good...
Or if you feel like being blunt:
To whom it may concern,
This letter will self-destruct in precisely 1 second.
Adios, Fucker.
*eyes bread and considers another SAMMICH, or at least butter bread*
Ever wonder why there's a timer attached to your coffee mug?
*The reader never gets to finish. Later in the week during the cleanup coffee mug shrapnel is found in the walls, in the computer, and in THEM.*
Mmm...buttered bread...
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To Whom It May Concern:
TICK.
*Before this can be questioned a clock goes TOCK and then the only sound is that of an extreme impact involving fragments of the reader's body being violently splattered across the ground*
I wonder if we could make serious bank offa this…
To Whom It May Concern:
Doesn't the perfume in this letter smell nice? It contains lavender, rose, killer bee pheromones…
*A faint buzz rises from outside the window—the cloud of bees threatens to blot out the sun*
There must be some sort of novelty for that...
Have you ever heard of a poisoned pen letter? Well then here's an example.
Oh, I should also mention that I have a bad habit of taking things literally.
*reader then slumps down from the venemous fumes that have now entered their system*
If nothing else it would make an epic novelty notepad theme. A new hostile letter on every page!
*the reader jumps back as the enclosed snake leaps out*
*snort* That it would!
I do not like you.
That is why I enclosed this homing device.
*Before the reader has a chance to question it several missiles shoot in*
To Whom It May Concern:
Ever seen a plastic explosive?
*BOOOOOOOOOOM*