Completely mixed up...

You…you’re still a whisper on my lips

A feeling on my fingertips

Pulling on my skin

And you…leave me when I’m at my worst

Feeling as if I’ve been cursed

Bitter cold within.

(Verse—Days Go By, Dirty Vegas)

Reaching the top of the stairs, I find that I have to stop and catch my breath. Every intake halts in my chest, and dizziness overwhelms me for a second. No sooner than the room ceases its frenetic spinning, I double over, everything between my heart and knees feeling as though it’s about to explode or melt – which is actually about to happen, I cannot tell.

No, that is not what came to me through my muses. It is what I physically went through when I arrived home this evening.

As I caught myself, barely keeping from falling to the tile, I realize that something is seriously wrong. I cannot place it, nor can I put a name to it. Ever since leaving campus today, I have been followed by a strange sense of unease. I cannot place it for the life of me, but it is quite unpleasant.

Ok, so that sounded a bit stupid. No one wants to feel that sense of unease, as though there is something that is deeply out of control and not being able to find it. It’s not a pleasant sensation, and it’s something that I’d rather not have anyone go through anytime soon. I’d especially not want it on myself, but it seems that I’m stuck with it. I don’t know how to place it, or even how to phrase it. It’s just as though something that followed me around all day decided to make itself known out of nowhere…It was almost enough to bring me to the ground…and I don’t know where it came from.

I think that this is the part where I stop thinking about it. I’ll just leave it at where I’ve already said…and maybe insert a few angsty lyrics. Or not…

OK. So it seems as though my sanity, at least for the moment, is a lost cause. When the events of a day leave you unsure of how YOU feel, that’s a bad sign. And yet there is nothing that I can do to help it.

It’s days like this that occasionally see me without memory of what has happened mostly throughout the day. Sometimes, this is a good thing, but sometimes, it’s not. To be honest, I don’t know which it is this time. I know that there are a lot of days that had events similar to this that I’ve somehow managed to lose completely. I know of a few that I’ve actually remembered to make a written log of, and therefore maintained some record that I actually DID live that day and didn’t just somehow manage to drop out of existence. I know this sounds weird. Shit, it sounds weird to ME and it’s me we’re talking about! Weird or not, though, I think that there’s something that I’m missing. I have missed details somewhere, or my shields went "ka-flump" somewhere along the line, but it doesn’t really matter, because right now I’m in "I don’t know what happened but I’m angsting anyway" mode.

So I’m trying to keep my mind off of it, and it’s not working all that well. Compounding this fact are the facts that a) it’s the Thanksgiving break, and therefore I’m stuck at home, and b) now I’ll have incessant nagging about why I’m so quiet.

See, there’s a reason that I’m perky on a lot of days. Being perky keeps me too busy to angst over whatever my sucky shields have allowed through. Actually, it’s gotten to the point where they don’t even let the actual data through, just the sensations. Couldn’t tell ya which is worse, but damn, it sucks.

OK, I’m going to shut up now and indulge my torture/bondage/angst/borderline-rape muses before I get too busy angsting again…so catch you later, peoples.