(no subject)

[railenthe]

 

It was when Sheik turned into Zelda in Ocarina of Time and I was still attracted.

Incidentally, that was when my cousins started calling me "gay."

I didn't know what gay meant then.

I was 13.

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One day in grade school I was asked what I thought of boys. I answered honestly — and after I answered all the girls avoided me. I'd said that I liked girls better, and suddenly I was shunned by all.

I was 12.

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A few years earlier I'd had a good friend. We shared the same interests. We got along well. But a rumor started. I didn't know about it until I arrived for the scheduled hangout and was told that her folks didn't want "that type of girl" hanging around. Then the door was closed in my face.

I was 7.

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I was 20.

I'd just successfully confessed my feelings to my crush on campus. He'd shot me down. My friends took me out for sushi to make me feel better. A few weeks passed and I saw more of the guy that made me realize that I'd actually dodged a bullet — the guy was beautiful, but BOY was he problematic. While all this was going on, one of my other friends had something awesome happen to her — and in her soaring euphoria, she kissed ME before skipping off to her destination.

"Guys," I said to my group as the realization finally dawned, chest a flutter, "I think I might be bisexual."

---

I was 30.

I'm freaking out because my clothes are gendered. Male is wrong. Female is wrong. But if that's the case then what am I? I panic and cancel my plans. I hit up the new LGBT sub on 4chan of all places — where I learn about nonbinary identities. The panic subsides a bit, and I research into the night. By morning I have a handle on it.

Ze/zir.

Genderqueer/Genderflux.

And a private identification tied to my blood that I reveal only to those who I trust.

For the first time in years, things are clicking.

---

I am 33.

Things have settled in. Some have evolved: as a nonbinary individual, I now identify more as pansexual because it's outside the binary. Some have refined: my attraction type is demi-panromantic, if we're splitting hairs.
I have accepted that I am settled firmly beneath the trans umbrella — something that I denied vehemently before. And I am growing as a person.

… well, that's my Coming Out™ story.

Comments

[kuro_pantsu]

I hear you. Coming to terms with not being 100% heterosexual/100% cisgender is beyond awkward and a gaslighting nightmare; one that lasts far too many years. (I've got a friend who is somewhere between ace and biromantic but has struggled with coming to terms with where she stands because of a lot of crap that went on in her adolescence so she's never pursued a romantic relationship and she still feels conflicted about whether she should go on a dating website or if she legit wants someone. Another friend who veers more towards liking the ladies has a similar problem; it's not clear cut and because of that it makes it that much harder to go forward. I'm lucky in that my radar is so broken and my personality so selfish that a relationship isn't something I'm after, but I do find it difficult not being naturally attracted to men and finding androgyny/femininity attractive. Thank goodness for Japanese animanga/video games.)

On the subject of gender, one thing I noticed during the study I was involved in was so many of the pariticipants struggling to feel comfortable in their own gender and now there's that theory that the autistic brain is a more 'male brain'. I'd somewhat agree with that in my case but then I'm also a giant fujo/seiyuu fangirl so yeah. (I am a gemini though so maybe one twin is a dude, the other a gal, idk.)